THe Longwood Lure Company
Wiggle EM' soft, jerk EM' hard
Welcome to Longwood Lures, your home for all your soft and hard fishing needs. Our lures make sure there is wiggle in your waggle, jerk in your twerk, and satisfaction in every cast. But there are plenty of other pages to talk about our awesome and amazing line of fishing products, this is the "About Us" page and while, questionable at best, you clicked it.
It does make us wonder a little about you wanting to know more about the guys who decided that dick shaped fishing lures was a great business venture.
But you seem like a trustworthy sort, so we will gladly share our story.
So heres a little story of the Longwood Lures. One night after much consumption of the juice of the barley, our legendary inventors sat around the dock at Longwood lake when a strange vision of a beautiful mermaid who beckoned them to join her in Longwood Lake. The Longwood gents being excellent swimmers couldn't find any reason not to join the beautiful maiden.
After a night of bizarre aquatic fruitfulness the mermaid shared the greatest secret of all fishing. The secret of "Fish Dicks," what thousands of years of human civiliation failed to reveal was that fish are incredibly horny beasts that can't resist the temptations of the male reproductive organ. Together the White Delight, One Beer Keith and Senor Grande Pantalones devised a plan. The rest they say is history...
Don't worry we don't believe that shit either.
In truth, Longwood Lures is run by three friends that while dicking around came up with a funny idea to make dick fishing worms. While the idea of watching a flacid dick worm dance majestically across the water is entertaining, it turns out that they are pretty damn effective fishing worms. Yeah, we didn't fully believe it either but check out our pages and you'll start to believe it to.
So on the gentle shores of Longwood Lake, our intrepid heroes craft the best damn dick worms you'll ever sink your teeth into... [Okay I have been advised by our legal team that we should advise that in no way should Longwood Lure product actually be used for oral sex].
We understand that if your still reading this you are probably pretty lonely but trust us, these lures are best in a fish's mouth not your own.
Which brings us to the rules of the Longwood Lure Company:
Rule 1: You don't talk about Dick Worms (Actually this would be really terrible marketing advice so we encourage you to share, shake, and orally spread the word about all of our amazing products).
Step 2: ...
Step 3: Profit!
Rule 4: "When in doubt, whip it out" is a great motto for Longwood Lures but not something that you should practice in your daily life. Keep it in your pants, we are in no way responsible for misunderstandings or mermaids (mermans?) that you produce while using our products.
Rule 6: We are not so good at math, sometime we add extra sometimes we take a bit back (or English, apparently), really just depends on how much we've drank (drunk?) that particular day (we shouldn't have let the intern drink and write).
Rule 7: We accept interns. You will not be paid. Not even in dick worms (patent pending of course).
Rule 1776: Merica' ('nough said)
Step 12: Drink and repeat.
Rule 13: See Step 13 (Repeat Step 3 and multiply by lots).
Rule 27.2: oooh look, pretty pictures... because Yes!
Log 38-2016: We have become stranded on this website. Please send help.
Log 75-2016a: The site has become self-aware. The dick worms are trying to kill my mother. Again. Please send help. Or vodka. Or money.
This business is for sale.
(We do not accept bits o' string. Sorry.
$3 million and no personal checks.
Serious offers only.)